i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
