I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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