Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
