....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
