god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
