At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
