I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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