I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
