Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
