i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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