Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
