i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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