Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
