It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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