Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
