Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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