So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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