just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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