Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
