i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
