Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
