Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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