It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
