i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
