i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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