I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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