My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
