You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
