I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
