On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
