listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
