I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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