Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
