you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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