I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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