I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
