Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I've blown a few things in my day
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
