Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
