You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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