I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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