so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
