I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
