He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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