had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize