My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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