I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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