this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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