is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
