I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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