You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
