My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
