i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
