Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
