nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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