Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
