I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize