I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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