Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
